


the saints we see are all made of gold

by katana_fleet



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katana_fleet/pseuds/katana_fleet
Summary: “Is this real?” Emma asked. Tears immediately formed in Mary’s eyes.“Oh, honey. This is real, yes. You’re our daughter, Emma Ruth Swan. You’re twenty-nine years old, and we live in Boston. Don’t you remember us?”Emma shook her head and pulled the covers up tighter. She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember the difference.





	the saints we see are all made of gold

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'demons' by imagine dragons. all belongs to a&e and the abc. this is finished (it was started months ago, who am i kidding) in response to my grief over jen leaving ouat (i'm still crying on the inside and probably won't stop for another week and a half) and the promo pictures/video where emma's in a mental hospital or something like that. who knows. extra hugs to you if you recognize where i got the initial idea for the plot from. thanks to saltwaterheartstrings and katniss_annabeth_luna_mellark for reading over this <3

“Emma? Can you hear me?”

The young woman shifted against the wall. Her blonde hair covered most of her face, only revealing one bloodshot green eye. Her voice shook slowly when she spoke. “Where… am I?”

“You’re in the hospital, Emma. The psychiatric ward. Do you remember?” The woman with short brown hair leaned down to her daughter’s level.

Her husband stands at her side. “Come on, Ems. It’s your mom and dad, sweetie.”

“Emma is in the midst of a dream state, Mr. and Mrs. Swan,” the doctor interjected. He checked off boxes on a clipboard as he stared down at the crouching girl. “She can respond to you, but she doesn’t know what’s going on around her.”

Mary stood up, nodded. “She was fine yesterday, Doctor. What happened?” Dean wrapped his arm around her and she leaned into his touch.

“I’m not sure,” he said apologetically. I’ll tell you more when we learn more about her current state. For now, I think it best that she rest.”

Emma’s parents left the room. After a few moments, the doctor crouched down at her side. “What’s going on, Emma? In that other world. Tell me about your dream.”

“Wake up, Emma! Please, love, come back to me,” a voice whispered. Emma stirred. A rock dug into her back and she winced. Then she noticed the shredded agony that was her right arm.

She opened her eyes and stared into the bright blue eyes above her. “What happened and why does my arm hurt like hellfire?” she muttered.

“Emma,” Killian breathed. He kissed her forehead slowly, letting his lips linger. “It’s okay, love. We were afraid to fix your arm until you woke up, as we aren’t sure what the monster was or how much pain the healing spell would cause.”

Flashes of a few minutes ago came back to her. She and Killian and Regina were chasing a monster through the woods next to Storybrooke. The monster had been terrorizing a store on the outskirts of town over the past week and it’d left two adults in a comatose state due to blood-loss and something else that Whale couldn’t identify. In short, they’d found a magical monster with wicked sharp claws. It was not a pretty little monster.

“Right.” She twitched her arm, causing more blood to leak out of the dark red-rimmed claw marks and Killian to hiss. “Fix this.” She looked up at Regina, her tone not quite a request and not quite an order. She was in serious pain; a little bit of petulant demanding was allowed.

Regina didn’t bother to make a snarky remark back aside from rolling her eyes. She waved her hand over the limp arm and the bloody scratches closed up, leaving dark blue-glowing lines. “What’s that?” Killian asked as he helped Emma sit up.

“Magical remnant, I think,” Regina said. “Since we have someone who’s survived being attacked by the monster and left conscious, we can do research on the identity of the monster now.”

“Tell me about your dreams, Emma.” The doctor had gently helped her sit up and had brushed the hair out of her face.

Emma stared at him for a moment. His glasses were too round. She picked at a fingernail before answering. “I’m the saviour, in a town called Storybrooke, Maine.”

“That’s good. Tell me about who you spend time with in your dreams. Do you have friends in Storybrooke?” he asked as he scratched notes onto the paper on his clipboard.

“There’s David and Snow, and Regina, and Henry, and—”

The doctor paused in his writing. “Is there anyone else?”

“There’s Killian.”

“Emma, love!” She opened her eyes to find herself still mostly on the forest floor. Killian was propping her up against his knee, looking down at her in absolute terror. “Regina, there’s something wrong with her.”

The former queen looked down at her. Her eyes were curious and somewhat cold. “I see that, pirate. Let’s get her to the loft. I’m fairly sure that she’s fine physically, but I’m worried about the magical aspect of those cuts.”

Emma could only blink at her true love. Something was terribly wrong, and she didn’t protest as he gathered her up in his arms to carry her home.

“What happened?” Snow shrieked as Killian maneuvered her through the door. The marks on her arm still glowed blue, but now it was a paler baby blue instead of the royal blue they were at first. “Emma, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Mom. The monster got a bit of a bite out of me, then I almost fainted, so Killian freaked out,” she said, straightening herself on the couch. Her head itched.

“What do you mean the monster got a bite out of you?” David asked. He stepped to her side and carefully unwrapped the linen covering the scratches. He could only stare at the glow. Emma laughed.

“I think I’m okay, Dad. My head feels better now.”

“Describe Killian, Emma. In your dream world, what does he mean to you?”

Emma rolled over to look away from the doctor. “I love him,” she whispered. “He’s always there for me, and he’s never abandoned me.” She scratched her forearm.

“Would you say that Killian is your ideal man?”

Emma thought about it for a moment, her mind going in and out of fuzz and static. “Yes.”

The doctor nodded and clipped his pen onto the papers. “Would you like to see your parents? They’ve been waiting for you to wake up again.”

“Mom!” Henry shouted. “Mom!”

“Why has everyone gotten the opportunity to scream in my face today?” Emma muttered as she opened her eyes.

“Because you keep zoning out, love. It’s like you’re sleeping but your eyes are open and moving.” Killian took her hand and squeezed it, gently yet urgently. “Something is definitely wrong.”

“I agree,” Regina said grimly. “Henry, would you like to help with research while Killian and the Charmings look after Emma?”

“But—”

Emma nodded, first at Regina then Henry. “Go on, Henry. It’ll be okay.” Judging by the panic in his eyes that was even worse than Killian’s, it would be best if he weren’t around her while she was going in and out of it.

Regina and Henry left the loft with the assurance of a phone call if something went wrong. “I’ll make tea,” Snow decided with a forced cheer.

“I’ve brought some cookies,” Mary said. “They’re chocolate chip, Emma. You used to love chocolate chip. Do you remember?”

Emma stared at the cookie but didn’t take it. Dean sighed. “It’s okay. You don’t have to take them, but if you don’t, I’ll end up eating them all!”

“Is this real?” Emma asked. Tears immediately formed in Mary’s eyes.

“Oh, honey. This is real, yes. You’re our daughter, Emma Ruth Swan. You’re twenty-nine years old, and we live in Boston. I’m Mary Swan, and your father is Dean Swan. Don’t you remember us?”

Emma shook her head and pulled the covers up tighter. She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t remember the difference.

Was there a difference?

“There is something wrong, David,” Snow said from a distance. Emma opened her eyes. Where was she? Who were these people? Where were the doctor and Dean and Mary?

“What do you see when you close your eyes, Swan?” Killian asked quietly. “I can tell you’re not here. You’re so deep into your mind I can’t see where you’ve gone.”

Emma looked up at the man she knew she loved. She looked over at the kitchen where her parents were talking over the counter. “I’m in a psychiatric ward, a mental hospital.” Killian still looked confused. “It’s for people who go crazy.” He nodded and listened intently. “There’s a doctor with a clipboard and he asks me about this life. My parents are there too.”

“Dave and Snow?”

“No, Dean and Mary,” she said, picturing their concerned faces, knowing them as well as her own family. Killian’s face mirrored the concern she saw in her memory.

Just then, Regina appeared before her, her magic dissipating around her. “Emma, when you lose perception of this place, do you see another world?”

Snow and David stepped over to hear Regina. “What is she talking about, Emma?” Killian took her hand again and squeezed lightly.

Emma merely nodded. Regina didn’t need the details she’d just told Killian.

“I think I know what’s wrong with her,” Regina said. “There’s a monster that creates a new reality that’s as good as this one, the real one. It creates a reality and convinces whoever’s under the spell that it’s the real land. The magic makes them more vulnerable to that belief. Is that’s what happening, Emma?”

“It’s not real, Emma. Think about it for a minute. You’ve created a world in your head where you’re the saviour, a superhero in an enchanted town.” The doctor tried not to smile, and the faint tilt of his lips quickly faded. “Do you think that this is to compensate for your childhood? To create a world where you're powerful and in charge?”

Emma remembered her childhood before Dean and Mary adopted her. Lonely, abandoned, unloved. How could she come up with such a life? How could such a life be real?

“In this other world, you always had parents who loved you and missed you, even if they didn’t remember you. You have a son who adores you and who’s sweet and loving beyond realism. You have a man straight from a fairy tale who loves you and would die for you—who has died for you. And yet he lives.”

The doctor knelt down to Emma’s level. “That’s not how the world works, Emma. People can’t die and come back to life, and there’s no such thing as magic. You knew this, and then you hit your head three years ago. While you were asleep, your parents read you stories about Snow White, Captain Hook, and Alice in Wonderland. When you woke up for the first time, you were muttering about magic and evil queens. Every time you’ve woken up since then, it’s only become more complex. This is a fairy tale, Emma. It isn’t reality.”

“But it feels so real,” Emma muttered.

“But it’s not real,” the doctor says calmly. “In order to forget the dreams, you have to destroy them, Emma. You have to tell them that they’re not real.”

“What happened?” Regina asked.

Emma looked up at Regina. She could feel her eyes glazed over. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. “Nothing,” she said.

“Emma, love,” Killian said. She turned to look at him. The love in his eyes—was it real?—it couldn’t be. She was just an orphan. No one could love her. Not like he did. He was just imaginary. “ _I love you_ , Emma Swan.” He leaned forward and kissed her quickly, mindless of everyone around her.

It was _Killian._  How could she doubt him? She looked up at Regina. “Is there a cure to this?” she asked, her voice rasping.

Regina stared. “Yes, I think so.”

“Make it _now_.”

“But I—”

Killian stood, his hook rising unconsciously. “You need to go make the potion _now_.” Regina raised an eyebrow and Emma could see the grudging respect in her eyes.

“Killian!” Snow exclaimed.

“Snow,” Killian said, using her true name for the first time that Emma could remember, “your daughter will soon forget which world is real, this one or the other. I think it would be best if the Queen began the potion immediately.”

“Emma, do you think it would be good if you could rest alone for an hour or two?” David asked. “Just while Regina makes the potion.”

Killian glanced back and forth between them for a moment. Emma smiled as he decided whether it would be safe. Overprotective pirate. Finally he nodded and she stood. She rested her hand on his arm before stepping up the stairs. “It’ll be okay,” she said softly. “I’ll just take a nap, try to coax the dreams away for a while.”

“Emma, you’re awake,” Mary said with relief coloring every syllable. “How are you?”

“I’m better,” Emma said, picking at a fingernail again. “The doctor told me what’s happening to me.”

They were sitting at the doctor’s desk, each in a chair. The chair was hard, with a cushion that clearly used to be more ornate and cushy, but it simply wasn’t so anymore. “Do you want to stop the dreams? You can return home with your parents, and you don’t have to stay in the hospital anymore. You’ll be free.”

Emma stared at the bulletin board behind the doctor’s head. How could she have believed that the other world was real? She was just an orphan; no one had been waiting and longing for her, no one had sacrificed their ship for her, no one had found her in New York. There was no son looking for her to bring her to a magical land of wishes and true love and magic. There was no pirate to give up everything for her and kiss her in Neverland and follow her to different realms.

This was reality. Dean and Mary. Their earnest eyes and chocolate chip cookies. The love still pouring off them in waves from the moment thirteen years ago when they signed the adoption papers.

There was a flash of bright blue eyes as she spoke. “Yes. I want to be free of the dreams.”

Emma opened her eyes. "It's not real."

As the door opened, she thrust her hand out. “I have the potion—” White light poured from her palm. The cup fell to the ground and shattered.

She held a rope in her hand. “Mom, are you okay? What’s going on? Mwffl—”

“Emma, what is it? Regina and Henry didn’t come back downstairs—” A little blood smeared across the floor.

She magicked herself, Regina, Henry, and her parents to the forest. There, the monster waited.

The pang in her heart when she saw the monster flex its claws in Henry’s direction didn’t matter. He wasn’t real, the monster wasn’t real. None of this was real. It was just a dream. All of it.

“You’re doing so well, Emma,” the doctor said. She writhed in the corner.

“But Henry, he’s my _son_ , he doesn’t deserve this,” she cried. “My parents either, they love me!”

“They’re not real, Emma. You have to remember it. You have to kill them to live in this world.” The doctor canted his head as Emma screamed. “What about Killian? Are all of them there?”

Killian ran over the hill, into the forest. “Emma!” he shouted. “Don’t do this, love! We’re real! That other world isn’t real and they’re just trying to manipulate you!”

The monster ran toward him. He brandished his hook, not looking at the claws of the monster. He kept his eyes on Emma. “Emma, I love you. I love you so much. You have kept this town surviving throughout the years, and you love all of us. You can defeat this.”

“But they’re going to die,” Emma muttered, her hands pressed over her ears as she leaned against the corner. Her eyes were squeezed shut, only allowing a few tears to escape.

“That’s what you have to—”

“Killian loves me. He always has. I know that, I know it, I’ve never doubted it, even when I didn't want to believe it. Killian’s love has kept me going throughout the years. Killian’s and Henry’s. How can I live without that?”

“You’ll have our love,” Mary cried, taking Emma’s hand. “Isn’t that enough, Emma? If you give up this other world, you’ll have us.”

“Emma!” Killian screamed. “Please! We’re real, I promise you, love! Just trust me!” The monster swiped at him and he ducked, barely avoiding the beast’s claws. Emma could smell the fresh blood in the air. Dripping from the wounds that she had caused.

“It’s just an illusion, Emma. It’s not real,” the doctor soothed. “Turn away from them and look at your family. They’re real. We’re real.”

“You’ve got a world of strength in your heart, Emma!” Mary said. “I know you do. You just have to find it again. Believe in yourself.”

“Please, Swan! I _love_ you! I believe in you, Emma, you can do it!” Leather ripped. His eyes fluttered shut under the force of the assault. The monster was overpowering him.

She loved him. If she knew nothing else in the world, whichever reality was truly real; she knew that. She loved Killian Jones.

Emma looked up at her parents and the doctor. The doctor’s face reflected his alarm, but Dean and Mary were still smiling, tears beginning to streak down their faces. She stared at them one last time, memorized their faces again, and tried to smile. “Thank you. Thank you. Mom, Dad. I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes as her parents reached for her.

She whirled around and punched the monster. Her knuckles smarting, Emma jumped after it and kicked it into a tree. It snarled and pounced at her, no longer looking at Killian. She ducked its blows and grabbed its head and slammed it against the ground, once, twice, a third time. It drooped for a second, stunned, and she twisted her hand toward its neck, snapping the bones with her magic.

Killian gazed up at her, blood streaked down his face but a smile in his eyes. “I knew you could do it, Emma.” She stepped over to him and let him pull her into a hug, his lips grazing her cheek. Tears dripped from her cheeks to the back of his jacket as she rested her chin on his shoulder. She pulled away quickly and dropped down to Henry’s level. Emma gently pulled the gag from his mouth and cut the knots loose. Her son didn’t say anything but sighed in relief as she cradled the back of his head.

Once David and Snow were free, they all hugged Emma until she couldn’t breathe from both squeezing and tears. Finally Killian’s arm found its way back across her shoulders. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“We always knew you’d find your way back,” David said. “You always do.” He grinned, and Snow’s eyes danced with a light of satisfaction and pride. Killian pulled her closer and kissed her hair. And Emma smiled. It was normal again.

In a white room, a doctor pries open the eyelids of a woman with blonde hair. Her parents stand above them, weeping and holding each other. He shines a flashlight into her eyes, and there is no response. “I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Swan. We’ve lost her.”


End file.
